How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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