You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Drake has all the answers
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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