fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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