there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
You're like the curious george of whores
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
