i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My ass is underappreciated
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
