Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
