Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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