a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
