What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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