dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
