I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
