i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
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