3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
