You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you inspire me to be a worse person
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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