i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
