We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
