something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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