My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He did a backflip because drugs
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
