There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
