my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
