Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
