I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Found your dick twin last night
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
