I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
