saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I believe in your delicious
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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