I heard we made out
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
