after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
