you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
