Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
