The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
