dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
