I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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