I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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