On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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