I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
