Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
