I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
