im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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