The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
