Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
