were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
