Redeem this text for a blowjob
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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