Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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