He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
