my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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