What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
