the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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