He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
