i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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