I haven't been this sober since birth.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Boobs speak an international language.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
