i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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