About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
