the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
